"There's a statistical certainty I'll accompany your veloventure today."
I had no idea who was talking to me. I looked around. Didn't see anybody. "Excuse me?" I said.
"I repeat: you're taking me biking today." There he was, at the doorstep: Icy, one of Rose's Nations. He's a baby seal. He claims he genetically hacked himself to not age so as to preserve the ideal brain to body weight ratio. Think Sheldon, from Big Bang Theory, in the body of a baby seal.
"I'm not taking you biking." I replied. This was a serious ride. A training ride, very important for my biking season.
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"What makes you think I'm taking you today?"
"Simple," Icy said, "I've stated it as a fact, so now you have to argue with me. I've simulated an argument with somebody of your intelligence almost ten thousand times, and never lost. Simply put, you cannot win an argument with me, ipso, ergo, facto, I'm biking with you."
I argued with him for ten minutes. Twelve minutes later, we left to go biking. Together.
He conducted a pre-ride meeting before we left. Kip and I didn't understand any of it, but we pretended to. He used a lot of words like topographic consequences, vehicle inertia parameters, and unfortunate but unarguable innate inefficiencies of the homo-sapiens musculoskeletal structure.
Finally, he let us leave, but only if he got to guide at first. He said I had "navigational untrustworthiness." When I asked him what he meant, he said: "You don't know where you're going!"
On the way up he kept taking notes. He said he was "conducting an ecological analysis using statistical extrapolation census methodology." I've got no idea. He seemed to be studying the plants. He said I wouldn't understand.
He then saw his flower, and got really excited:
He "analyzed the aesthetic appeal of the area" whatever that means, and said: "I reluctantly admit, you chose an amazing destination." Aww. Nicest thing he said all day, at least until:
When he saw this field of wild roses, he swam around in it like a fish. Then he sat still. When I asked him what he was doing he said he needed time. About ten seconds later, he said:
"I just combed through all the poetry in my databanks, and determined: Hugo was the best poet ever, and you did really well naming your daughter Rose."
Awww.
Then, things changed quickly. About halfway up the huge mountain climb, I got really hungry. I didn't bring enough food, and I din't bring any for Icy. He was furious:
He jumped up in my face, and took over the bike. He took us to a stopping point, and put me in time out.
After thirty eight minutes of time out, one for every year I've been incompetent, his words, he called a "team meeting".
He took over driving Shrek, and said that he'd help me out this once, because I was Rose's dad.
We rode for a bit, and he took me to a field of these flowers. He said "the alkanity of the soil is sufficient to maintain an edible horticultural delight this spring fit for even human digestion." I looked at him blankly. "YOU CAN EAT IT DUMBY!!!!" He screamed. Ohhh. Got it. He was right. It was really good. Then he took me to a spring to drink.
I felt much better. He allowed us to continue. Somewhere he wanted to go. He dragged me all over the mountains looking for it. Up and down hills, through forests, on top of the highest mountains in America, until finally:
He manged to find snow. In July. Almost killed me doing it, but he found a big patch of snow and spent an hour or so skiing on his belly.
Finally, I said we had to go, rain was coming. No go, He ran away and hid in a meadow. It took me forever to find him.
Finally, I explained to him that rain was coming, we had to go. He said he knew, it was "inside that cumulus structure looming to the North-East."
"If you knew that, why didn't you warn me?" I asked.
"I've been telling you all day."
"When!!??!!"
"Consistently throughout our venture."
"You never once said the world rain."
"I said: there is meteorological inclemency imminent."
"What does that even mean!?"
"And then an hour ago, I switched to: meteorological inclemency incipient."
"Is that English?"
"Precisely. It means, rain is coming, and rain is starting, respectively."
"Why didn't you say that!?!?"
"I did, repeatedly, why are you not listening, again?"
Frustrating, talking to Icy sometimes.
No choice now, haul really fast down the mountain through the rain. I put Icy in my back pocket, and we left. He remarked that I "emanate malodorous malevolence." "What?" I screamed back at him.
"YOU STINK!!!!"
He was right. I pressed on, fast down the hill, Kip lost in the rain up the hill.
After a while, I heard Icy yelling at me. I couldn't make it out. Too many big words. "You're exceeding the manufacturer's recommended vehicle parameters!", or "Insufficient tractional coefficient." When I didn't listen, after a while, he just jumped out. I skidded to a stop, and hiked back up to get him.
Before he got back in, he gave me a lesson in determining loss of tractional co-efficiency factor, and excessive application of thermal velocity reduction devices, and other such topics. Whatever. I didn't get any of it, but it gave Kip a chance to catch back up.
We rode slowly back to Obelix in the rain.
When we got back to the truck, he found a can of sardines. I found some chocolate milk. Kip found some cheesy dog treats. In the end, I'm glad he came with, it was a great day together. I learned a lot.
I think.