Yesterday, Rose and Yokie left me at home in Absarokee while they went to Billings. I promised to do a bunch of housework while they were gone, I had a list and everything. Honestly though, video games and a couple of beers were the real plan.
As I sat down my favorite chair hugged me like a best friend. And there was biking on: The Giro d'Italia. In snow. Raging snow. Doesn't get any better than that!!
Something was off though. I couldn't quite relax. I had that feeling you get when somebody is watching you. I was home alone though, right? "Hello?" I called out tentatively. Nothing.
The Real Bunny
Hmm. . . Oh well. I tried to watch TV, but then I saw Bunny. Bunny McBunns. When Rose is around, Bunny is a sweetheart, just the perfect little Bunnster. "Oh hi Bunny!" I said nicely. "Shut your nacho-eating mohawk face you tall stinky monkey!!" Bunny said, leaping off the floor onto my new bike. I was shocked. I had never seen Bunny like this.
"Now listen up fruitcake," McBunns was looking at with a piercing gaze, all Alpha Bunny now, "you're gonna take me on a bike ride with this new fat-footed tin can of yours. We can do it the easy way, or the hard way, what's it gonna be?"
"Bunny, what got into-"
"Answer the monkey-scratching question!!!"
"Geez, geez ok ok!! Got it. Calm down. What's the easy way?"
"Put on your helmet, and take me where I tell you."
"The hard way?"
"Let's just say it involves carrots. Carrots and counseling."
"You are a dark, dark soul for a bunny."
Bunny tossed me my helmet. "You have no idea big head."
I got ready to go. Quickly. Bunny watched the whole time. "You ready?" I asked.
"What do you think baba ganoush?" The only thing McBunns had was bear spray. Pointed right at me.
"Purple! You're purple!"
"WRONG!!" McBunns slapped me in the back of the helmet. "Easter eggs are purple. Skittles are purple. Prince is purple. I hate being called purple!"
We rode in silence for a minute.
"Stop the Tin Can!!" Bunny screamed in my ear suddenly. I slammed on the brakes.
Bunny leapt off my backpack, into a nearby bush.
I hadn't seen such cavorting from a member of the Lepus Curpaeums species since I walked in on Roger, Jessica, Peter and Harvey at a Souper Salad in North Vegas in '95.
More like Lupus CurPlaya if you ask me.
The Ride
"Can we go play at the school?"
"May I please go see the Rosebud River?"
"Of course."
"And sorry I called your bike a tin can."
"It's OK Bunny."
"But you do have a big head."
"I know, thanks Buns."
"And also, about the way you smell-"
"You know Bunny, let's quit while we're ahead, ride in silence for a bit."
"OK. Good call."
The Rosebud is relatively stable, because of the dam, but it was still going strong. Bunny loved it.
"Is Johnson Bridge too far to go?"
"Of course not Buns. Let's do it!"
Bunny was super hyper now, so crazy and full of ideas.
"Can we got to Paris? Please please please I want to go to Paris. Did you know that in France Lilacs are-"
"Whoa whoa whoa Bunny. Calm down. I can't ride to Paris. Not tonight. What do you want to do here.?"
"Oooh. Oooohh. Ooohh. Oh Boy. I want a picnic!!"
"Yeah, when it floods at a picnic, you know what they say. . ."
"Yep. No ants."
"Good one."
"Now I want to blow dandelion seeds and make wishes!"
"Wait. What? A canon?"
"Yeah!"
"I don't know where to get a canon."
"Shut up and ride. I wished for it. I got this. Go upstream."
I had learned not to argue with McBunns. We rode upstream. I'll be darned if, around the bend, there wasn't a canon waiting for us.
Bunny climbed in.
"Point me home James." Bunny said, even though I didn't see anybody there. Then Bunny whipped out some matches, I have no idea from where, struck a match on the barbed wire fence, blew me a kiss, lit the fuse, and took off like a flare into the night sky.
I watched, and the arc did indeed seem to go towards Absarokee. I got on and pedaled like a sprinter, up Johnson road, onto CR 420, into town. I was sick with worry. What would I find when I got home? Did McBunns survive? Would I see a smoldering wreck where my house used to be?
I flew down Main, onto Willow. Tossed my bike onto a rose bush. Leapt through the front door.
I don't know how the landing went, but it must have been either really good or really bad, because when I got into the living room I heard loud snoring, and found Bunny passed out, just like this:
